Begin again
There comes a time where you are forced to choose how you want to deal with the uncertainty that arises. An inevitable force of nature, where even if one attempts to control everything that can be thought of to avert this fearful feature of being human, there is no way to truly exist peacefully without experiencing feelings you don’t plan for.
That’s the thing, I didn’t plan on playing through repetitive concussions as a competitive athlete, having panic attacks to the point of desperation for it all to stop, being forced to leave the dorms and my classes until further notice, and ultimately ending up with a first of many inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations, never to step on the soccer field again. It is something I'm still working on, still working through, but I can't deny how far I've come already. To have the opportunity to still be here, fighting for the life I know I deserve, is something that keeps me going, knowing that others were not given another chance to defeat a predetermined force.
There’s a reason I started creating in the first place, and it was far from anything like this. I created to stay alive. When I didn't know how else to communicate how much I was suffering and didn't have sports as an outlet, I turned to pen and paper to make sense of it all. It started with one notebook from a college teammate, one "good morning" and eventually "I'm proud of you", and unintentionally becoming a consistent refuge throughout all stages of this journey that continues.
Something I'm learning is that starting again doesn’t have to begin at any certain point besides a moment at a time. You don’t have to go all the way back investigating and analyzing moments and details in order to go forward either. There is a time and place for working to understand how you’ve gotten to where you are today, but with a balance too of letting go of what doesn’t serve you.
I’m still working through the fact that I’ve spent majority of my adult life repeating the same cycles, in and out of various levels of treatment, both medically and psychiatrically, all in an effort to manage the consequences of decisions made and the constantly changing diagnosis that would follow. There were so many labels, and evaluations, and opinions, and treatment plans, that for a while, the confusion of trying to establish “what is wrong with me” became my main objective in being able to have the ultimate label presented: recovered. Does everything always need to make sense?
Things really are different now. No, I don’t always make the right choice. I mean “right” based on the fact of whether or not the decision was made by my authentic self, one that usually supports growth, self-care, compassion, connection, and recovery. At this point, I’ve made a deal with myself: it’s no longer a mission of achieving a life that thrives off busyness, constant social interaction, productivity, and high stress/fast-paced work conditions. While maybe that’s who I strived to be, and still have the potential to make that lifestyle a reality today, if I really work towards it, deep down I know that’s not what I want anymore.
The mission instead, that is non-negotiable, is to live a life full of presence. Of being open to receive the gifts of the now, regardless of the noise that wavers in intensity throughout everyday happenings. Through art, I have found something much bigger than me. There's something special about the limitless potential of creating that I am determined to share with others.
My story, is complicated just as I’m sure yours is. And the thing is, it's even more complicated than just deciding to overcome what's been taunting me for the majority of my adult life. No matter how much logic, awareness, and determination was put forth to infiltrate the decision making process, I was often left defeated when I made choices that I consciously know don't align with my values and my mission. After a while, I started left feeling like a fraud, and it felt like creating had lost its magic and there was no point. Life had lost its magic. What was the point of publishing the website, if I lost the connection to what the mission is? The mission might look different as time goes by and continues to go by, but ultimately I create to survive. And I will to continue to share my story for as long as breath is in my body, hoping others can discover or rediscover the tremendous power of healing that resides in creativity. This is just the beginning.
